by Ed Bark
There they were hitting the hardwoods again Monday night.
Not those college hoopsters in the NCAA’s “Big Dance,” but the 11 latest celebrity entrants on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars.
Marquee player Heather Mills, charitably billed as a “charity campaigner” in the two-hour opener, of course had to wait until near last to show whether she could make it through the fox trot with an artificial left limb. She nimbly did so.
Not cheering her on: Paul McCartney. Their mega-nasty divorce proceedings in merry olde England have cut into some of Mills’ practice time with pro partner Jonathan Roberts.
Even so, Mills could have out-danced lumbering Billy Ray Cyrus without her prosthetic leg and with both flesh-and-blood arms tied behind her back. The self-described “left-footed hillbilly from Kentucky” proved to be no match for a woman who’s been without one since being hit by a police motorcycle in 1993.
Cyrus looked like he’d been run over by a truck. His stringy hair, dull gaze and shabby outfit made him the show’s hands-down Jethro Bodine. Partner Karina Smirnoff tried to teach him the cha cha cha. But as judge Len Goodman so aptly put it, “It was more like a hoedown.”
They danced, appropriately as it turned out, to Cyrus’ new single, ‘I Want My Mullet Back.” It got him the night’s lowest score, a 13. But Cyrus did get one last plug in while viewers were still digesting what judge Bruno Tonioli had said of his dancing prowess. “You were like a crazy bear lost in a swamp,” Cyrus heard tell.
Mills tallied an 18 score, which also beat John Ratzenberger (17), Clyde Drexler (16) and Leeza Gibbons (15). At the other end of the teeter totter were Joey Fatone with a 24 score, Laila Ali (23), Apolo Anton Ohno and Ian Ziering (each with 21).
Mills didn’t win points for her outfit, though, a garish purple and yellow evening gown that even she didn’t particularly fancy.
“I feel a bit like an ice cream sundae,” she said. “I’m not used to dressing up to this level.”
Nonetheless, the beauty of Dancing with the Stars is readily apparent, even to a male critic who’s not supposed to enjoy stuff like this.
For one, it’s live. There’s always the chance of a star tripping, stumbling or falling without a net. Mills takes those possibilities to another level.
Also, this is a serious and very athletic competition once the field is winnowed to a final four. By that time the celebrities are fully engaged. Some, like Ziering and Fatone, have a chance to rise up from the has-been bin. Others, such as athletes Ohno and Ali, can recast themselves in an entirely different light. Last fall’s champ, Emmitt Smith, is now a big huggy bear, with offers pouring in like a waterfall instead of a dripping faucet.
Dancing has the perfect host, too, in quick-quipping Tom Bergeron. And pound for pound, the show’s three judges are more than the equal of Idol’s better known trio. Except that Fox has the great equalizer in Simon Cowell, who’d probably tell Mills, “I don’t care if you’ve got one leg or three. Your dancing is wooden.”
Instead, Tonioli told Mills she has “more guts than Rambo” after Goodman first assured her she’d be judged just like any conventionally two-legged dancer. Otherwise here’s the shakeout:
EXTREMEST LONGSHOT
Billy Ray Cyrus — In next week’s results show (Tuesday, March 27), he has an excellent opportunity to join Dancing’s “First to Go Club,” as Bergeron put it. The other members are Trista Rehn, Kenny Mayne and Tucker Carlson.
NO REAL CHANCE
Leeza Gibbons, John Ratzenberger, Shandi Finnessey — As the self-proclaimed “oldest buffalo in the herd,” Ratzenberger lacks the charisma or comedy stylings of either John O’Hurley or Jerry Springer. Gibbons may loosen up a bit, but it won’t be nearly enough. Finnessey is eye candy, but can’t hold a candle to cleavage-spilling pro dancer Kym Johnson.
SLIMMEST OF POSSIBILITIES
Clyde Drexler, Paulina Pourizkova, Heather Mills — “The Glide” has a nice personaliity but doesn’t look capable of measuring up to fellow former jocks Emmitt Smith or Jerry Rice. Pourizkova looked like “breakfast, lunch and dinner at Tiffany’s,” cooed judge Tonioli. But her dancing is closer to Johnny Rocket’s. Mills won’t make it past the middle rounds, if that.
STRETCH RUNNERS
Ian Ziering and Apolo Anton Ohno — Then again, the Olympic short-track speed skating champ is trying to compete in both his field and on a dance floor. So he’s hardly a retired athlete and just might have to quit on ABC if dancing gets too much in his way. Ziering looks like this edition’s Joey Lawrence. Affable and sincere as all get-out, but not destined to win.
FINAL TWO
Laila Ali and Joey Fatone — Her boxing ring footwork is easily translated to a dance floor. And he’s a former boy band dancer/singer. Both have enthusiasm, ability, outgoing personalities and loose lips. Fatone blurted, “I thought I just crapped my pants” when his microphone pack detached itself during his cha cha cha. Ali good naturedly said she’d pop cocky dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy if he gets too bossy.
AND THE WINNER IS . . .
Laila Ali in a spit decision, with her dad, Muhammad Ali, in the audience to watch his baby girl become a champ.
For more from Ed Bark on iVillage, see the rest of his posts. For more of Ed in general, see his blog Uncle Barky’s Bytes.
Original post by Lindsey Unterberger
I am obsessed with Sanjaya Malakar and Heather Mills. 
Dancing With The Stars contestant Heather Mills reportedly 